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KenitohMenara
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PostSubject: Story Feedback   Mon Aug 31, 2015 4:17 pm

Part 1

“Keep your back straight, Raphael.”

Raphael tried to follow his mother’s advice but between keeping the Ponyta moving and trying to stay upright, it was easier said than done. A few days had passed since his adoption and his mother had started to teach him how to ride Ponyta. As Raphael learned, his mother originally came from kalos and one of her original family’s favourite past-times was horse racing. As such, Aileena had been learning to ride ever since she was little and was determined to continue that part of her family legacy.

Along with the manor, the de Alcotts owned a large amount of private and as such, Aileena had built a private horse track and stables for her to practice, race and to breed new Ponyta and Rapidash. From what Raphael had seen, she was a very successful trainer, with her having three trophy cabinets filled with various awards for her races.

Now it was Raphael’s turn to learn to ride and it was proving to be quite difficult for him. They had been at it for about an hour and Raphael wasn’t finding it any easier. Thankfully his mother and the de Alcott’s stable master were very patient people and were very encouraging. Sola and Lune were resting on Aileena’s shoulders, silently cheering him on or just wanting to laugh at him when he messed up, Raphael wasn’t sure.

Despite all the trouble he was having, Raphael was determined to get it right. The de Alcotts had saved his life and had given him a home. Nobody forced them to adopt him, they weren’t bullied into the decision and before them, not a single person that even cared whether or not Raphael lived or died.  So now Raphael wanted to make them proud in any way he can, no matter how hard it became and how hard the task was, Raphael would earn the name de Alcott.

“Mrs. De Alcott,” one of the maids called out “Master Malcom has arrived, as has the Thrones family. I’ve brought Master Malcom as Mr. de Alcott requested.”

Raphael slowly rode the ponyta over to his mother and Aileena helped him down from it. Malcom gave a deep bow to them and Raphael tried to emulate the gesture to him, stumbling a little bit as he did.

“Raphael, this is Malcom Thrones. The Thrones family are good friends of ours and it was recently when we learned that had adopted their own child. I hope that you and Malcom can become good friends.”
Raphael nodded, looking at Malcom. He looked the same as Raphael, if maybe a bit older, with slightly darker red hair than his was. His eyes were green, like Raphael’s father.

“Why don’t you take him up to your room and you two can play together?” Aileena said and both boys nodded. After Raphael gave his riding helmet and whip (which he didn’t use) to the stable master, both he and Malcom made his way to his room. After only sharing a hello with each other, they had remained silent until they got to Raphael’s room.
Once there, one of the maids was ready with some more casual clothes for Raphael in order to change out of his riding outfit. One thing that Raphael had picked up on with his new family was when they did something, they liked to do it correctly. So when he was being measured for his new clothes in Celadon, he was also measured for a riding outfit. Black jacket, white undershirt and trousers and black boots. His mother had commented saying that Raphael looked ready for a show-jumping tournament.

Once he was changed into some trousers and a collared shirt, the maid left the room leaving Malcom and Raphael alone together. At first we just looked around the room not sure what to say to each other, but then Raphael noticed that something was clinging to Malcom’s back.

“What’s on your back?” he asked and Malcom turned to revealed what look like an orange teddy bear.

“This is Teddi.” Malcom said smiling “It’s a teddiursa and he was a present from my dad to me. So who are the Eevee’s.”
Raphael noticed that both Sola and Lune had climbed onto his shoulders while they were talking. He let them slide down his arms and meet Teddi.

“They are Sola and Lune. We’ve been friends ever since the orphanage. Even when we had no home and had to go from some really bad times, they stayed by me and helped keep myself alive.”

And that’s how it started, from there Raphael and Malcom found that they had a lot in common. They both loved pokemon and got into an interesting discussion about what Raphael should evolve his Eevees into. At this point they were 9 eeveelutions, all of which had their own strengths and weaknesses. While this was going on Sola, Lune and Teddi were playing a game of tag over Raphael’s giant bed.
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TheFrostedLatios
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PostSubject: Re: Story Feedback   Mon Aug 31, 2015 4:33 pm

Sai: A fun read! The punctuation typos threw me off, though. But I do like how dedicated he is, I think you should really try to focus on that and make him a really hard-working guy! Oh, and maybe you could also expound upon their discussion? I'd like to hear what they both have to say about all the Eeveelutions; their opinions could give some character insight, you know?
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ParallelDimension75
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PostSubject: Re: Story Feedback   Mon Aug 31, 2015 7:43 pm

Same as Sai Smile

The typos can be really jarring, as it disrupts the flow you get going. I love the chapter, though!
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Eri
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PostSubject: Re: Story Feedback   Mon Aug 31, 2015 8:22 pm

I really like it, although you spelled Malcolm wrong the entire time. In any case, you don't have to actually write out "Malcolm." Just shorten it to Mal.
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ParallelDimension75
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PostSubject: Re: Story Feedback   Sat Sep 05, 2015 3:55 pm

Here's a sketch I did of Raphael. I'm sorry if I got his hair wrong, I wasn't really sure...

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