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 Kieran, please read this

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TheFrostedLatios
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Join date : 2015-08-12
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Location : Ganking Mid Lane

PostSubject: Kieran, please read this   Sat Oct 31, 2015 8:49 pm

Xeian: Kieran, you write poorly. This is understandable, given your lack of experience. But you must understand that you are weighing down the progress of this collaboration--especially the Books. Freya has repeatedly expressed her fear that your character Raphael will become a Mary Sue (stop being defensive; it’s only an offense if you know it could be true), with a troubled backstory that is quickly resolved and a subsequent life of luxury that as you admitted is wish-fulfillment. While this does not make a bad story, it is important to express the resulting lifestyle realistically and stop piling on more and more… traits. As it stands, so much of your character is focused on pointless backstory and not on what matters to the story proper: he’s comes from a rich family, but he’s a trainer, who should be eking out his own survival. He’s an equestrian, but aside from riding the Rapidash he didn’t earn that’s also pointless. He was an orphan for what, 2000 words and 11 years ago? He’s not going to remember or care, so that’s pointless too.
Who is the Raphael we will follow on his journey? A rich kid with access to anything he wants? Because unless you have some excellent conflict elsewhere to counteract his privilege, it will be a boring story. It may be fun for you to live vicariously through an adolescent with anything he could ask for, but not for your readers or your friends.
Ranger may fall to similar problems, with immortality, a legendary parent, and a life away from the conflicts of the world.
This does not get into your writing style, which is choppy and inexperienced. I propose that one of us (or all of us) look over your chapters again and again until they are of true quality. This may involve several, several rewrites, but if you want to participate in our collaboration, I, at least, would rather not waste time on a story that is difficult to for potential viewers to read.

Here’s the short of it: try harder, let your characters suffer and have less, and accept criticism up to and including accusations of sue-ism.

Eri and Freya both agree with me, but we all believe in your potential. In fact, when I proposed kicking you out entirely, Freya, our resident cynic, expressed her fervent optimism that you're a good friend and you deserve our support. You've already improved so much, but you still have some improvement yet to do.
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